Life Tasting Notes, by Hanna Perlberger

Most of us would readily admit that our perceptions color how we see.  Did you know that your thoughts and emotions color not just how you see, but what you see, whether you see, and whether you see things that are not even there?  There is a cognitive disorder that we all have, something called “confirmation bias”, which shows up in our everyday judgments.

In a wine tasting, the term “blind tasting” refers to a tasting where all of the external cues have been removed.   There was a famous study that took place in 2001 at the University of Bordeaux School of Oenology.  Fifty-seven people were given two wines to taste and rate.  One bottle was labeled vin de table (think house red) and the other bottle was labeled with a very prestigious Bordeaux label.  Nor surprisingly, the Bordeaux label wine was rated by most of the tasters as “good” and the other wine was rated as “weak”.   In fact, it was all the same wine, and the wine was of a quality in the middle.  The subjects unconsciously made the taste in their mouths confirm their label bias.

About 5 years ago, Joshua Bell, a world-class famous violinist, took part in a videotaped experiment where he donned street clothes and a baseball cap, went down into one of the DC metro stations at rush hour, and played six stunning classical works, including one of the most difficult violin pieces ever composed, on a Stradivarius, worth a few million.  In 1 hour, over 1,000 people rushed by without a glance.  A few nights prior, the musician who had packed Symphony Hall in Boston for over $100/ticket, could not draw a tiny crowd or earn 50 bucks in change.  Confirmation bias.

I was at a bridal shower, and the hostess played a memory game with us.  A young woman had a tray filled with an unrelated assortment of items.  Without saying a word, she slowly made her way around the room, pausing for a few moments in front of each of us.  We all stared intently at the items on the tray – although nothing was said – we all assumed it would be some kind of memory game to see how many items we could memorize on the tray.  When she was done, the young woman left the room.  “OK – get out your pens and paper”, the hostess was smiling, “and now write down everything you can remember the young woman was wearing!”

So the next time you are overly-focused or intent on something, allow for the possibility that you are looking for the wrong thing.  Or when you pass by something that you think is worthless, ask yourself whether you are missing out on something that is in fact beautiful or that contains an amazing lesson to be learned.   Don’t be fooled by something – or someone – with an impressive label, and don’t be a snob either – you miss out on great stuff.   And be especially mindful about confirmation bias that causes disconnection or the failure to experience love.  Do we perceive harmless comments as insults?   When our spouses comes home late, do we have compassion for their hard day or do we feel slighted?   Do we see the food stain on our child’s face and miss their big toothy smile?  What do we see?  What do we miss?  What do we mis-perceive or distort in an effort to make reality conform to our biases?  So, the question is, can we make confirmation bias work FOR us instead of AGAINST us?   That’s the challenge and the inner work of conscious living, and it can make your world suddenly so much more vibrant, alive, and filled with joy.   Cheers!

www.sacredspacemarriage.com

hanna@sacredspacemarriage.com

 

The Wisdom of the Heart, by Hanna Perlberger

Years ago, I took a philosophy class and the professor and the class (including me) were laughing at the medieval idea that the heart was the seat of wisdom.  Wasn’t that funny, we thought, that, centuries ago, people didn’t understand the function of the brain?

Well, isn’t it funny that we are now realizing how true this medieval concept really was?   Research at the HeartMath Institute explains how the heart plays an extraordinary role in our lives far beyond what is commonly known.  We are just discovering how the heart and the brain communicate with each other, and that the heart sends more information to the brain than the other way around.   Did you know that your heart sends out electromagnetic fields that change according to the state of your emotions?

There is a physical/emotional state called “coherence”.  What that means is that when we are feeling a great positive emotion, such as seeing a beautiful sunset, having a laughing child running into our arms, etc., we are in a state of “coherence”, meaning, our hearts are putting out great activity with encoded messages.  These messages impact us in a positive way – and the people around us as well – as they are in our orbit of electromagnetic activity.  Their hearts can pick up and read our activity.  Happiness is contagious.  No one is in isolation.  We are all connected.

And what is really great is that you can get into a state of heart coherence any time you want, wherever you are.  You do this by closing your eyes, breathing slowly in and out, and as you do so, you concentrate on feeling as if you are breathing in and out through your heart.  It helps to place your hand over your heart.  Don’t worry if you don’t feel this right away, as it gets easier and more powerful with each try.  After a minute of two of feeling centered and calm breathing and out through your heart area, think of something for which you are grateful for that day, for someone or something in your life or something that happened or something for which you could feel a sense of gratitude.  If you can, think of three things for which you are grateful.   You can be grateful for your beating heart, your lungs, and your mind, directing you to do this exercise.  And after a few minutes of being present to state of gratitude and breathing deeply and slowly, I guarantee you will feel more calm, centered, and happy.  It’s a great de-stressor during work, or going to sleep, or when you just want to shift your mood.

Just as negative emotions flood our nervous system with chaos, positive emotions can actually improve our health and boost our immune system.  Click on these two short videos to learn more, and give it a try for yourself, and you will see how wise those medieval philosophers truly were.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kyfm5_LLxow  (Mysteries of the Heart…Did You Know?)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pp-r_f8-qz8  (Science of the Heart)

www.sacredspacemarriage.com

hanna@sacredspacemarriage.com

The Three Phases of Relationships, by Hanna Perlberger

Relationships are everything, because everything exists in relationship to something else.  No one and nothing is in isolation.   As Tony Robbins says, “The quality of your life is the quality of your relationships.”  There are ways of being in relationship.  Are you all in or do you just have a toe in?  How do you show up?  Are you in a relationship by default or by design?

There are 3 distinct phases of every relationship, and each will happen:

1^st phase –

It’s the first exposure you have to someone and it can be very short, a few seconds even.  What we see visually, what we take in as the essence of a person, causes us to quickly make a decision about the person – whether we will interact again and how we will interact.  These automatic decisions may not be healthy or good.  This is where a good coach can help someone take more time in making these decisions.

2^nd phase

This is the exploratory phase, where we start to check out whether we decide whether this person will be a lover, friend, acquaintance or someone we will never deal with again.  We use strategies to find out if this person is a good fit.  We are trying to find out whether we mesh or not, to decide whether it will be a long term relationship or not, and this process can be short or long.   Again, this is where a coach can help a person see this as a 2-step process, to “slow it down” and be intentional so that they can get more power in their relationships and mastery over themselves.

3^rd phase

This last phase is called “unveiling” and it lasts throughout the rest of the relationship.  It’s a back and forth process of continuing to display more and more of who we are and our partners display more and more of who they are.  This can take place over years and decades, a lifetime.  As we grow and change we need to display this to others – unveiling is the term for that process.  It’s the beauty and peace felt in a relationship that has matured over years.

What happens when one or both partner stop the unveiling process?  The relationship stops growing.  It withers or dies.  Even though many people are able to stay in a stagnant relationship, they don’t do it happily.  They don’t do it with any joy or fulfillment because people are meant to change and grow.  Being stagnant takes all the energy and enthusiasm out of it

Having a relationship coach empowers you to understand and make good choices about each phase of a relationship.  Great relationships make a great life and great choices make great relationships.

www.sacredspacemarriage.com

hanna@sacredspacemarriage.com

Hello world!

For the past 20 years, I have been a divorce attorney.   I was always frustrated at how poorly many of my clients coped with their lives or failed to move on in a healthy or positive way.  They weren’t crazy – they were just in a crazy-making situation, but as much as my clients looked to me to help them out of their emotional misery, I didn’t have the tools.   So I became a professional life coach, and got certified in holistic wellness coaching, thinking I could help my clients at least get some balance and well-being in their stressed-out lives.   And then I took on training in marriage and relationship coaching, because after 20 years of doing divorces, I had a pretty good idea why marriages failed.  And when I started to do this work, I knew that I was meant to use my coaching – not just to help people get through their divorces better, but to help them stay married,  to help people fight for their marriage instead of against it, and to help people turn ho-hum marriages into great marriages.   So I am thrilled to say that I stand for marriage, and not just any type of marriage, but marriages that are based on a total heart and soul connection.

If we can destroy, we can build.  It’s time to build ourselves, our families, our communities, our societies and our world – one deeply satisfied couple at a time.

Check out  my website at http://www.heartandsoulmarriage.com.